Oh, ffs. Seriously. Is the universe TRYING to make me really contrived or something?
I am going to continue to go public with the whole anxiety thing. I'm sorry, I know it's a pain, and I swear I'm not fishing for sympathy (you can ignore it entirely if you wish) but I really do need to force myself to get all the stuff that's happening out even if it's only a concrete reminder to myself. It's a therapeutic thing.
Consequently. After months of dormant lack of activity, we start getting just a wee bit concerned that we're not addressing the phobia and then BANG there's a trigger. God. How predictable. Consideration of giving the form assembly to the rest of Year 12 on Blood Donor week or some such stuff and a couple of ideas being thrown out, which I am not going to relate here because it's not constructive. Nothing really serious but got mildly upset and then in turn pissed off with self for being mildly upset (this particular trigger is one which generally evokes such an 'I am an arse' response - please no lecturing because, hell, I KNOW it's awful of me) and then progressively more upset as a consequence. Gah. Wandered around Reading for two hours after school, didn't buy anything, didn't sit down anywhere, just walked around and I have no idea why. Then worst piano lesson of entire life occurred, because couldn't concentrate.
My language has been absolutely appalling today. Seemingly have gone from hardly swearing at all to saying fuck about once every five seconds. I am not a nice person. Excuse me.
Eventually I will post about things other than music, books, and TV. At the moment, though, my free time comprises very little else, so...
I've been compiling a CD for a friend's party tomorrow (we're all supposed to bring one) and is well nigh impossible actually to get any decent number of tracks on there without duplicating loads of artists. Effectively all I have that is party-worthy is some Yann Tiersen, a fair amount of ELO and some Divine Comedy. And that is it. The rest is classical, neoclassical and opera. Good gracious. Although it is now too late to actually get more tracks on to the CD (obviously no time to buy CDs and my mp3 player is not any sort of iThing so cannot use iTunes) have been delving into Myspace and Wikipedia in a desperate attempt to prove to myself that I can enjoy some pop music. The conclusion: chamber/symphonic pop is a Good Thing, and I quite like The Polyphonic Spree, whose logo I saw on the t-shirt of a guy in the train to Scotland, interestingly enough (good so long as the lead bloke's not singing on his own because he's pretty awful but there's bits of choral stuff which is fun and it's prettily orchestrated). This project will be a continual one, methinks, because I'm quite enjoying this.
Started reading proper books that I haven't read before for the first time after the exams. Got out a Michael Cunningham that I didn't know he'd published from the library yesterday, Specimen Days, which is just as mindblowingly gorgeous as all of his other work, though an awful lot of it seems to focus around Walt Whitman's poetry, which I'm ashamed to say I know nothing about. Still, it's Cunningham nevertheless, and I'm savouring it. He has a lovely detached way of writing, observing and commenting on everything but staying distant from it somehow...reminiscent almost of Virginia Woolf (which I guess might be partly what prompted him to write The Hours) but more personal maybe. I wish I could explain. Anyway, go forth and read him.
What else have I been up to? Ah, went to see an amateur production of Cosi Fan Tutte last week with my parents and the boy, and while it was all quite good, there was one soprano who was really superb. Here's the (mildly) interesting part - I came out of my singing lesson yesterday and there was the soprano, standing on the doorstep of Cathy's house. Turns out she's a student of hers (which is a good sign, I feel), and had booked her lesson that week directly after mine. I'd seen her before at masterclasses and things but somehow never made the connection. Entertainingly I was a bit starstruck - she was ever so nice, though.
Can't seem to shut up.